By Tonya Allen
I am on a grief journey. I lost my 24-year-old son unexpectedly almost five months ago. My grief journey is living with the absence of Bobby. My grief journey is feeling the constant pain of knowing that all his plans, his goals, will not happen. I invested so much of my time, my emotional energy, and my love for a person who is now gone. Sometimes I feel as if we should have planned two funerals. A regular funeral and a separate funeral for all the plans and desires I wanted for Bobby. That thought, that feeling, could there possibly be anything else worse in this world? As I continue this journey, I ask myself, what am I supposed to do with all this love that belongs to Bobby?
I realized that I needed help to process all these emotions. I decided to go to grief counseling. It is here where I learned that the pain is mine and no one can tell me how to deal with MY pain. Losing a child is an indescribable persistent pain that other grieving mothers have told me that never completely goes away. This pain does not belong to Bobby, this pain is because of the absence of Bobby. I have all this love and energy that belongs to Bobby, and I don’t know what to do with it, hence the heaviness, and the grief. I can’t give it to anyone else either, it only belongs to Bobby, but I can try different tasks to stir that energy in a different direction. I have always loved doing community service, so, I will do more of that, it is important to keep moving. My family and I are doing different things to honor his memory. We are awarding scholarships in his name.
I am trying to figure out what a world without Bobby is supposed to look like. I know each day brings something different. I am doing the grief work. I am leaning and depending on God. I am learning how to cast my burdens. I don’t understand why any of this happened, but I am putting my faith to work. I always told my daughter and son to just Trust in the Lord, he will direct your path, and that is what I am doing. Calling on the name of Jesus and using breathing techniques help. The God I serve is a heavy load carrier and a burden sharer, but I must allow God to do so.
So, if you’re walking through grief stay engaged. If you’re walking alongside someone who is grieving, keep listening, keep showing up, nothing needs to be said. Their grief is a part of their story and not going away anytime soon. If you’re a person of faith, you’ll likely peer into eternity for hope, trusting that God will make things right in the end. Keep doing that, but don’t ignore your present reality. By sitting with the pain as it comes, you’re actually moving in the direction of healing and growth. What a hopeful reality that is.
People often speak of grieving as something to be tolerated or as if it will end soon. Grief is good, it is not evil. Grief is so painful because I love Bobby so much. If I didn’t love Bobby so much, then there would be nothing to grieve. I know that grief may start to look different over time, but I can’t avoid grief because it will never end. Grief never ends because my love for Bobby will never end.
Tonya Allen can be reached at godlovestee@gmail.com.
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