By Tonya Allen
On January 26, 2023, I came home from my part-time job around 1:00 and Bobby had just come home from class, and he was supposed to run an errand for me on his way home. I asked him if he remembered to run my errand and he said that he forgot. I told him to go do what I asked of him. He got up, always doing what I asked of him, rarely complained, walked out the door, and never returned home to me again. He made it to the driveway, he collapsed, gained his wings, and I lost Bobby, I lost my baby boy.
So, now, I am a member of a club that no mother wants to be a member of. I am a daughter of a Father who I have so many questions for, and confusion surrounds me daily. There is a video on YouTube I listen to several times a day. The words soothe my aching heart. I know even though I don’t understand why I must spend the rest of my earthly life without my child, I must do what the Lord requires. I must do what the third chapter of Proverbs insists that I do. I must trust God, no need in wasting my time in trying to figure out why Bobby’s story ended this way. No need to get angry. The Lord has the right to take what belongs to him. He has told me in his word, that death is guaranteed. When it knocks on the door, you have no choice but to step through the doors and close it behind you. When I listen to “I Don’t Know Why” being ministered beautifully by Katie Sankey, the lyrics settles my inner storm especially when she sings,
“You know the Lord he moves in mysterious ways,
His wonders they are to perform.
He plants his footsteps way out on the sea.
You know he rides out, on every storm.
His ways they are hard to understand sometimes no matter how hard we try.
Sometimes I wonder why he lets some things happen to me.
Oh I’ll find out, Oh I’ll find out, by and by.”
I consider myself as being a woman of great faith. I recognize that the Lord holds the pen, and he gets to write our stories however he wants. So many of my friends and loved ones are telling me, “Oh, he’s gone to soon.” I understand why people say that because Bobby was only 24 years old. As a believer, I know that the Lord has a perfect plan, every life is long enough, and every death is timely. No one lives one day more or one day less than the Lord intended. Even though Bobby was young, and his life seemed to be so brief, if I take a moment and compare it to eternity, I know that no one has a long life.
The answers I am looking for, Bobby already knows them. While I am here, crying every day because I miss him so much, he has the peace we are all longing to experience one day. I know my baby boy would not return, given a choice, he sees what I don’t see, he knows what I don’t know, yet I long to know. It is easy to say God is good when everything is going well in your life. It took me a minute to remember that God is good all day, every day. God is a good God, and he only does what is good. I cannot grieve like the rest of the world, I know what comes next, I have HOPE. God sees me and he knows me. If I am to rub my hand through Bobby’s hair again, I must trust the Lord. The road ahead is going to be hard, but I really believe that the Lord will continue to supply me with all of HIS grace, HIS wisdom, and HIS mercy. So, I look to the hills and repeat a phrase that has a totally new meaning to me,
“God is good all the time and all the time, God is good!”
Tonya Allen can be reached at Godlovestee@gmail.com .
All rights reserved, Gumptown Magazine, LLC. All rights reserved, 2023.
