By Tonya J. Allen
When I am down and missing Bobby, I have two things I will do to lift my spirits after praying. I will try and find something funny to watch on Facebook, YouTube, TicToc, or Television. Since I love to sing and I love music, I will find something that speaks to my soul. One song in particular that brings me to tears every time is “Accept What God Allows” by Twinkie Clark. The lyrics are a beautiful poem…
Accept what God allows
You’re better off anyways
Face the facts and you will never stray
Turn your faith a loose
He’ll bring you out and give you all the proof
So don’t question God, just accept what God allows
We all go through life asking the question, why?
Why all these burdens, why when loved ones dies
Why do I have to worry, why do I have to cry
When I know Jesus, He’s gonna fix it all by and by
Accept what God allows,
Even when you don’t understand accept every trial
Accept even now, He’ll give you a smile
Put it in his hands, He has a master plan,
Your trial is but a stepping stone
It will lead you heavenly home.
At some point during the grieving process, as I began to accept that Bobby’s earthly journey is complete, I actually got tired of crying. But, somehow the tears just appear on my cheeks and all I can do is wipe them away. I am at a point where every time I think of Bobby I want to smile and not cry, am I there yet? No, nowhere near it. I often reflect on James 1:2-4 NKJV, “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.” The key word being ALL, meaning I must find joy in grief. Accepting Bobby’s death means I must find joy in it. I must rejoice and thank God for 24 years.
I have to accept that I will never hear him say, “Yeah, Mom” again. Who will throw the dishes in the cabinet any kind of way? Who will put the whole pot in the fridge instead of putting the leftovers in a bowl? Who will drink up all of the juice, soda, and milk in the house? Who will eat up all of the peanut butter and bananas? Who will over stuff the washing machine and then leave the clothes in there for days? Accepting that these little things I fussed about when Bobby was here are now the things I miss the most and they actually make me smile. I also accept the fact that I will never overcome this grief.
In I Corinthians, chapter 15, describes grief as the last enemy. The death of Bobby broke into our lives with an irresistible force, we were completely unprepared, and it robbed us of someone we held so dear. None of us are immune to its ravages. So it is not surprising if we feel at a loss when it comes to coping with death and its aftermath. I accept that grief is my new friend that will walk beside me until my earthly journey is over. My grief counselor says that the bigger the love, the bigger the grief. There is no greater love than that between a mother and child. I know that my painful feelings are only natural and each person deserves to grieve in his or her own way. I can’t judge the way another person responds to tragedy but I can be fair to myself and give myself some grace.
How do I give myself some grace? Well, what do you do after you have done all that you can do? God is going to do it his way regardless of how you feel about it. So, all I can do is accept it. God is the creator and I have to accept what God allows. When God does something, He knows what He is doing. Whether He chooses to share His reasons with you, or whether He doesn’t, you can only accept what He allows.
In the 12th chapter of II Samuel, when David’s son died, he accepted it without complaint and went back to living life. He cleaned himself up, anointed himself, put on clean clothes, went to the House of the Lord to worship, came home, and then ate. I have to learn the lesson that David showed us in this story. I have to let go of what I cannot change. When God has spoken, either by words, deeds, or non-actions, it’s over. I have to accept God’s decision and go on living. I have to accept God’s will and move on. Is this task easy? No, even as I begin to accept God’s decision and put these emotions on paper, tears are rolling down my face. I do not have the ability to do anything further but to rejoin the living and to keep on serving an awesome God.
Bobby’s death reminds me that this earth is not all that there is, something better awaits me. I have to accept God’s decision and to fix my hope on heaven.
“Accepting Bobby” is the fifth installment of the “Losing Bobby” series. All articles can be found on gumptownmag.com. Tonya can be reached at godlovestee@gmail.com.
